Lock Poker Secret Strategy Sessions

[NateVest]

Lock Poker’s Secret Strategy Sessions | Poker News : Online Gambling News

THE LOCK POKER SECRET STRATEGY SESSIONS
FEBRUARY 26, 2013

The following is a work of fiction; an invented transcription of a mythical strategy session at Lock Poker. We admit to having no idea how the real minutes of such a meeting would read, only that it would likely contain a good deal more profanity.

Imagine Lock CEO JENNIFER LARSON, attorney BRYCE GEOFFREY and ecom-bean-counter PILAR CATALA sitting at a table in the Lock offices/Larson condo. Bryce is naked.

JEN: Alright, people? Lock Poker is in freefall. It's bad enough that we're taking months to pay US players, but players outside the US are beginning to realize that their local banks won't accept Canadian Tire money. I want suggestions for pulling our asses out of the fire. Pilar, how do our financial books look?

PILAR: Which books? The ones I show you, the ones I show the regulators or the secret set I keep in the box behind the washer-dryer in my basement?

BRYCE: Wait? We have regulators?

JEN: (ignoring Bryce) Do any of these books say we have any money left?

PILAR: One says I have money left.

JEN: Players are getting nervous that we're about to go under and it's causing a run on our bank. We need to put out some PR that says we segregate player deposits from operating funds.

PILAR: I'm not sure keeping deposits in our personal accounts is what players mean by segregation.

JEN: Did you people learn nothing from watching Seinfeld? It's not a lie if WE believe it.

BRYCE: Don't worry, Jen. Things are turning around. Revolution is about to add Gutshot Poker. Only three more skins and we'll hit a hundred.

PILAR: So?

BRYCE: Don't we get extra air miles or a free sandwich or something?

JEN: It doesn't matter how many skins Revolution has, you idiot! Lock isn't even part of Revolution now that we've segregated our tables from the other skins. Which reminds me, why aren't people buying our claim that we segregated our tables to protect our fish from other skins? grinders?

PILAR: Lock always had more grinders than anybody else, so it was like saying we were locking our foxes inside the chicken coop to keep our chickens safe from other foxes. Bottom line, the segregation means we're no longer obligated to pay other skins, but now there's nobody left on Lock except grinders, none of whom will play against each other.

JEN: How did we end up with an all-grinder ecosystem?

BRYCE: Um, it might have something to do with the fact that I've been giving players 110% rakeback.

JEN: Why the hell would you agree to that?

BRYCE: Well, I was watching this sports movie, and the coach said something about giving 110% and the players got all excited, so I figured?

JEN: There's literally no rock bottom to the depths of your stupidity, is there?

BRYCE: Not yet, no.

JEN: On top of everything else, PokerScout now says Bodog has more traffic than Revolution.

PILAR: But you know PokerScout has no idea how big Bodog's numbers are and that they just make them up. So why do you care?

JEN: Because people believe anything that's on the internet, that's why! It's like that stupid photo showing a bigger lock superimposed over my crotch than over Bryce's, so people think I have a bigger penis than Bryce.

BRYCE: That's actually a reasonable assumption. I mean, yes, you're a girl, but I do have an extremely small penis.

JEN: So I see. Remind me again why the hell you are always walking around stark naked.

BRYCE: So people think I have no assets. Then maybe they'll stop filing civil suits against me.

JEN: Focus, people! How do we get out of this mess?

PILAR: We could do like the TV show Dallas and announce that the entire last year was a dream, and everybody's actually been playing on Cake this whole time.

JEN: Brilliant! Tell our players to resubmit all withdrawal requests to Cake. Meanwhile, instruct our affiliates to start displaying the new banner ads for our Ponzi Payday tournament and our "40 Acres & A Mule" signup bonus. Now, both of you get outta here. I have dinner guests coming in an hour and I need to set this table. And Bryce??

BRYCE: Yes, boss?

JEN: Take your chair out back and burn it.

[MIGO14]

Hmm, sorry but I don?t get this...

[viatatotamaigreaaa]

hmmmm, u are millioner ? ? ? ?

[NateVest]

Hmm, sorry but I don?t get this...

**The post is a work of fiction; an invented transcription of a mythical strategy session at Lock Poker. No one has any idea of how the real minutes of such a meeting would read.

[NateVest]

hmmmm, u are millioner ? ? ? ?

I am, how did you know? Did you find me on the Forbes list??

[NateVest]

Lock Poker hires Poker Royalty’s Jim Erwood
Feb 28th, 2013
Lock Poker has added one of the top player representatives to its team, signing former Poker Royalty Director of European Operations Jim Erwood to spearhead the LockPro Team.

[rrickir]

Lock Poker’s Secret Strategy Sessions | Poker News : Online Gambling News

THE LOCK POKER SECRET STRATEGY SESSIONS
FEBRUARY 26, 2013

The following is a work of fiction; an invented transcription of a mythical strategy session at Lock Poker. We admit to having no idea how the real minutes of such a meeting would read, only that it would likely contain a good deal more profanity.

Imagine Lock CEO JENNIFER LARSON, attorney BRYCE GEOFFREY and ecom-bean-counter PILAR CATALA sitting at a table in the Lock offices/Larson condo. Bryce is naked.

JEN: Alright, people? Lock Poker is in freefall. It's bad enough that we're taking months to pay US players, but players outside the US are beginning to realize that their local banks won't accept Canadian Tire money. I want suggestions for pulling our asses out of the fire. Pilar, how do our financial books look?

PILAR: Which books? The ones I show you, the ones I show the regulators or the secret set I keep in the box behind the washer-dryer in my basement?

BRYCE: Wait? We have regulators?

JEN: (ignoring Bryce) Do any of these books say we have any money left?

PILAR: One says I have money left.

JEN: Players are getting nervous that we're about to go under and it's causing a run on our bank. We need to put out some PR that says we segregate player deposits from operating funds.

PILAR: I'm not sure keeping deposits in our personal accounts is what players mean by segregation.

JEN: Did you people learn nothing from watching Seinfeld? It's not a lie if WE believe it.

BRYCE: Don't worry, Jen. Things are turning around. Revolution is about to add Gutshot Poker. Only three more skins and we'll hit a hundred.

PILAR: So?

BRYCE: Don't we get extra air miles or a free sandwich or something?

JEN: It doesn't matter how many skins Revolution has, you idiot! Lock isn't even part of Revolution now that we've segregated our tables from the other skins. Which reminds me, why aren't people buying our claim that we segregated our tables to protect our fish from other skins? grinders?

PILAR: Lock always had more grinders than anybody else, so it was like saying we were locking our foxes inside the chicken coop to keep our chickens safe from other foxes. Bottom line, the segregation means we're no longer obligated to pay other skins, but now there's nobody left on Lock except grinders, none of whom will play against each other.

JEN: How did we end up with an all-grinder ecosystem?

BRYCE: Um, it might have something to do with the fact that I've been giving players 110% rakeback.

JEN: Why the hell would you agree to that?

BRYCE: Well, I was watching this sports movie, and the coach said something about giving 110% and the players got all excited, so I figured?

JEN: There's literally no rock bottom to the depths of your stupidity, is there?

BRYCE: Not yet, no.

JEN: On top of everything else, PokerScout now says Bodog has more traffic than Revolution.

PILAR: But you know PokerScout has no idea how big Bodog's numbers are and that they just make them up. So why do you care?

JEN: Because people believe anything that's on the internet, that's why! It's like that stupid photo showing a bigger lock superimposed over my crotch than over Bryce's, so people think I have a bigger penis than Bryce.

BRYCE: That's actually a reasonable assumption. I mean, yes, you're a girl, but I do have an extremely small penis.

JEN: So I see. Remind me again why the hell you are always walking around stark naked.

BRYCE: So people think I have no assets. Then maybe they'll stop filing civil suits against me.

JEN: Focus, people! How do we get out of this mess?

PILAR: We could do like the TV show Dallas and announce that the entire last year was a dream, and everybody's actually been playing on Cake this whole time.

JEN: Brilliant! Tell our players to resubmit all withdrawal requests to Cake. Meanwhile, instruct our affiliates to start displaying the new banner ads for our Ponzi Payday tournament and our "40 Acres & A Mule" signup bonus. Now, both of you get outta here. I have dinner guests coming in an hour and I need to set this table. And Bryce??

BRYCE: Yes, boss?

JEN: Take your chair out back and burn it.

NATE this was SOOO FUNNY ,,, where did u find this??? I always read all the posts in the LOck threads on 2 + 2.,, and shane,s replies there.. which are ridiculous a lot of the time,,, esp in light of thier recent changes/....... THeir latest fiasco of moving the Lock Vip 10k once a month frerrollls is crazy too.... they didvided this one into 4 tourneys,,, I GOT my tickets,, but now its on wednesdays at 9 am in the morning and none of the USA Players can pplay itn ow,,, SO this thread started there last nite too, and now they say... welll we mite change it again if that doesnt work,,,, is a realll mess for sure. so this made me LOL OUT loud !

[NateVest]

NATE this was SOOO FUNNY ,,, where did u find this??? I always read all the posts in the LOck threads on 2 + 2.,, and shane,s replies there.. which are ridiculous a lot of the time,,, esp in light of thier recent changes/....... THeir latest fiasco of moving the Lock Vip 10k once a month frerrollls is crazy too.... they didvided this one into 4 tourneys,,, I GOT my tickets,, but now its on wednesdays at 9 am in the morning and none of the USA Players can pplay itn ow,,, SO this thread started there last nite too, and now they say... welll we mite change it again if that doesnt work,,,, is a realll mess for sure. so this made me LOL OUT loud !

I have a friend that found it in an article by PETER AMSEL on Faces, Places, Sex & Dating, News on Gadgets – CalvinAyre After Party : Online Gambling News LOL, I thought it was hilarious, glad you found it humorous too! I stopped grinding after they moved it to Wednesday morning because I am at work, so I hope you have good luck on the felts if you can make it. I will still be on Lock to play Poker Owned and private games. Hope to see you at the tables soon!

[AAallday]

u crazy meng?

[tjntaco]

Yeah that's good stuff. I laughed.