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Here I am, in all my glory. My face was chiseled to meet the exact proportions of Channing Tatum. My body was sculpted by master artisans to the image of Michelangelo's David out of the finest European Marble, trimmed with gold leaf from the mines of Western Africa. My hair is a deep shade of Autumn's Harvest, reminding onlookers of simpler times as they get lost the ample fields of golden grain.