A homeless man asks another man for two dollars. The man says "Will you use the money to buy booze?" The homeless man replies "No sir, I don't drink." The man then asks "Will you use the money to gamble?" The homeless man replies "No sir, I don't gamble." So the man says "Do me a favor and come home with me. I want my wife to see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble."

A man calls his wife at work and tells her "honey... I have some bad news. We just won the 3 million dollar state lottery." and the wife replies "Bad news? How is that bad news! We can finally live out our dreams!" to which the man responds "The payout is 3 dollars a year for a million years."

A man joins gambler's anonymous. He's given three-to-one odds he won't make it.

A man walks into a poker room and notices two men and a dog playing poker. The dog was playing exceptionally well and the man comments "Wow, that's one smart dog!". "Not too smart." one of the men at the table replies. "Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail."